Underneath Me

this loose body tightens at the sight of blood
and now I’m completely wound up

after a while in this hospital
realizations come:

    What is really healing about this place?
   Can you understand my sideways cockeyed glance?
   Do you see the bony fingers scraping the sick walls?

   the eyes only meeting in pain
    and in avoidance of future pain?

after the crisis the existential crisis
after the blown mind and bacteria intoxicated brain
then, a little semblance of sanity?

or

just this: total lunatic thoughts
   about could have
            should have
                         would have

and now, jamie, throw it all out the window
this proclamation issued to me by a reflection
of someone I once was

fish like dancing in the moon light
I’m hard to get

and because of that:

   (to a tune)
     it’s hard to get you
   I’m so blue sometimes
   your so new sometimes
     so mine sometimes
     othertimes not

   and not is a lot
   when you’re in
   a hard spot

    doing the right thing
   but coming out wrong
   stuck on the sick wing
     been stuck here to long

give me a night cap now, erase the images:

the bloody hearts
the bloody knives
the never knows
the undecided
the violence in my mind
of unfortunate circumstance
the teary eyed face
and new lines
streaked on cheeks

now that I’m cute kiss me

I’ve been better but not better than ever
       trying to keep it down but not keep it together
       wanting to leave it out but not leave it forever

cold hearted moon, give me a break tonight and melt me
like a candle, I want to burn
       into formless
   but interesting
         patterns on a pretty plate

layer upon layer of myself
molding to the concrete and real thing
underneath me